Cum for Christmas: The Sex Toy Holiday Gift Guide

I’ve discovered that Christmas can be about more than just avoiding your relatives, accruing debt, and overeating. It can also be about sex! Instead of giving your significant other some high-heels or cologne, rock their jingle bells with these fancy...

For me, the most wonderful time of the year has devolved into uncomfortable family visits with my creepy Uncle Jim, who keeps asking me, “When did you grow into such a woman?” and practically getting trampled at Wal-Mart on more than one occasion, because my mom has an insatiable addiction to savings. Fortunately, I’ve discovered that Christmas can be about more than just avoiding your relatives, accruing debt, and overeating. It can also be about sex! With all the emphasis on baby Jesus and shopping and Santa, I almost forgot how amazing it is to cum. But thanks to a handful of toys—many of the ones listed below—I've been having orgasms in my childhood bedroom like I was 15 all over again. All of the Os I've been having have really put me back in the Christmas spirit. Who can get mad that you can't find a parking spot at the mall or that you spent more on your in-law's gift than she spent on you when you just had a massive sexual eruption? Because Christmas is about giving, I want all of you to have an orgasmic holiday season, too. So here are my favorite sex toys on the market right now. Instead of giving your significant other some high-heels or cologne, rock their jingle bells with these fancy new fucking devices.

I Rub My Duckie This waterproof personal massager will fit right in with all of the other childhood paraphernalia that your mother refuses to get rid of, in hopes that someday you will move back in. Plus, airport security won’t be laughing at you when they see it on the x-ray machine.



TLC Eve’s Harness Strap-On How can a girl play Old Saint Nick without a swinging dick? This strap-on comes with a super trendy crotchless harness and two dong attachments. This toy will give sitting in Santa’s lap a hole new meaning this holiday season.


G-Vibe Sure, this vibrator looks like a Teletubby hand, which isn’t the kind of thing I typically want caressing my vagina. But unlike other run-of-the-mill plastic dicks, it is specially designed to hit that sweet spot. It has six different vibrating modes and adapts to every woman individually. If you stick this down your girl’s chimney, she’ll know you really care.




Climax Silicone Vibrating Bum Beads These are called bum beads, which automatically makes them seem way less threatening than anal beads. Just remember, putting stuff in your girl's butt is like putting the star on the Christmas tree—it should be the last thing you do. There’s nothing healthy about going ass to mouth or ass to vag.




Precious Gems Jewelry Box Collection If you aren’t sure which vibrator to get your lady this Christmas, this collection is perfect because it has a little bit of everything. Complete with a body massager, two sleeves, a multi-speed vibrating egg, and lubricating gel—you really can’t go wrong. The only downside is you might get a lot less attention from your girlfriend in the new year.



Michael Lucas After Hours Jessie Colter Anal Missionary Stroker If your significant other is looking for a tight booty to pound missionay style, Michael Lucas has it. This ass and dick combo has all the perks of a good raw-dog one-night stand, without the threat of infectious diseases. If the lonely guy in your life isn’t much of a stocking stuffer, he can always put his gifts into Michael’s hole.



Ohmibod 3.Oh Music Vibrator This vibrator has a microchip that allows it to vibrate to the beat of your favorite tunes. Hearing “Silent Night” for the 999th time just got a lot more bearable.



Love Swing A swing that you can fuck on is the Christmas gift that keeps on giving. Who wants to ride in Santa's sleigh when you can ride on a swing with your genitals touching another person's genitals? Copping a sex swing will fill your new year with mind-blowing boot knocking.



Cyberskin Virtual Sex Ultra Big Ass Bang Doggie Style If this was under the Christmas tree for my boyfriend, I might never see him again. As sharp as Santa’s elves are, I doubt their craftsmanship can compete with what is being hailed as “the most realistic pussy and ass you will find.”



Club Vibe Wearable Vibrator Sometimes, when I am sitting in a crowded place, I wonder how many women around me have one of these babies buzzing in their snatch. I wish I had one on when I went to The Best Man Holiday last week, because Taye Diggs was looking right. This would be a great gift for your ladyfriend when you are about to subject her to an evening of getting interrogated by your parents at a family holiday dinner. Get her one of these and she’ll soldier through with a smile on her face and some pep in her step.



Penthouse Couples Satin and Scented Bondage Kit If your lover is new to gimp suits and safe words, this is a good alternative to spice things up in the bedroom without freaking them out. Start off with this bondage kit this Christmas, and by Valentine’s Day you’ll be flogging your hog-tied lover.